July 12th: Everyday is Exactly the Same

I took considerable pains to log my day on Tuesday minute by minute. You'll see how productive I am....Except, wouldn't it just make sense that I get all sassy here and for the rest of the week, I am slammed with more work than I've ever had. Go figure. So this day is not that out of the ordinary, but it is a little extreme.

7:00 Turn off first alarm. Go back to bed.
7:17 Turn off second alarm. Get up.
7:41 Finish getting ready. Set Jason's alarm for 11. While kissing him goodbye I accidentally hit him in the face. He doesn't stir.
7:52 Pick out red shoes. Remember i broke them on the fourth. Say screw it and superglue strap down. awesome.
8:03 Enter car.
8:24 Arrive.
8:26 Enter office. Key problems. Tried to turn it the wrong way.
8:24 Either office clock is two minutes slow or car clock is two minutes fast. I suspect the latter. Sit down and type thus far.
8:27 Check messages. None. Read email. Twelve new. One important. Rest Junk. Summer is slow.
8:29 Jacques enters. Asks for folders and schedules. Retreats.
8:31 Phone rings. Wrong number.
8:35 Give up trying to fit comic books into scanner.
8:36 leave Suzy a myspace comment
8:40-8:45 Jacques has made copies on our really nice paper. great. Switch paper in tray, throw box in dumpster, say hi to pedro, try to make copies of comic book, gets jammed twice, give up.
8:47 Start watching the office episode I downloaded yesterday. (S3E01, or so its labeled)
8:51 Phone rings. It's an annoying ex-coworker. Take message.
8:55 Something wrong with video players. Only plays audio. Download Videora iPod Converter.
8:59 Begin to regret installing converter.
9:01 Stretch
9:03 Start to make list of all shows my DVR is set to record
9:04 Converter finishes installation. Run.
9:24 Simultaneously ignore Jacques telling the same story for the eighth time and trying to figure out how to work this stupid converter. I am so talented.
9:26 Jacques gives up and leaves. I lock door. Ahh, silence. Think about breakfast.
9:28 Suspect missing codec. Try to recitfy.
9:33 Download codec tool to find missing codec since none of my video players wants to tell me which one is missing
9:38 Get video working. Now sound is missing. sigh.
9:54 Discover my speaker volume has been turned all the way down....double sigh. It works. Convert to Ipod format.
9:56 Kevin arrives. Tells me how his vacation went. i lose interest halfway through. 9% on the conversion so far.
10:01 Confirm episode is labled correctly. The Office-S3E01-"Gay Witch Hunt". Decide if conversion works, I will try and get all I can. Good for sitting in traffic or lines. Forget that. I'll get them anyways.
10:02 Open limewire
10:10 Suspect episode is not full in length
10:15 Limewire has not yet commenced. Triple sigh... Let's get on this one. Lane arrives.
10:18 oh hello Limewire. Thank god.
10:20 Conversion at 58%. Use bathroom.
10:22 Ms. Lucille arrives. My hand flails uncontrollably and knocks my pencil cup over. I can tell this is going to be a fun day.
10:36 On way back from bathroom, Lane tells stories of her weekend. They are slightly amusing. And then somehow when Ms. Lu comes up we get to talking about staph infections and holes in skin. I feel nauseaus and come sit down.
10:41 conversion complete! click on 'add to itunes'. awesome.
10:43 everything on limewire is coming up need more sources. even if there are 83 different sources...ok. also pulls up a lot of porn when i search 'The Office'. interesting.
10:46 creepy! as i reach for the phone, it starts ringing. it's our intern. she's starting to bug me.
10:48 call dad. learn mick got a job at taco bell. talk about visit in august, arrange book exchange: his 'thirteen moons' for my 'bayou farewell', maggie in a magazine, (my stomach is rumbling), promise to send him my strange dream transcription,
11:24 notice that parts of certain keys on my keyboard are smoother than others, wonder why..., discuss generation gaps with dad
11:29 limewire still has not found any sources. I shut it down. I'll try again later. Need to call Jason.
11:36 hang up with dad. Jacques returns. my ear hurts
11:39 actual work! wow. call insurance company to make workers comp claim on when big old wooden ladder fell on Ms. Lu's head. Am given 800 hotline number.
11:41 Go to bathroom
11:45 Call 800 hotline and reach actual person. Am dissapointed.
11:51 Hangup with them.
11:53 Phone rings. Take message
11:55 check balance. -$72. oops. transferred too much to savings/spent too much this weekend. transfer some. all better.
11:58 address envelope to mail application to register trademark back to baton rouge
12:09 (this is making my day go by so slow) Try and finish watching last five minutes of episode Send email to luana asking if shes definite.
12:13 Look for full episodes somewhere other than limewire, start conversion of S3E02.
12:17 express desire for lunch. lane agrees. jacques will go get subway...oh boy.
12:20 decide to eat what kevin's making instead. tunafish. tell him i'm going to start calling him tuna because that's all he talks about making, yet never makes. really just want to call someone tuna. it's an office joke.
12:21 conversion at 22%
12:22 try to locate list of clients to send xmas cards to. my job is so thrilling.
12:24 Michael Scott - "I'm glad this day spurned social change. Thats part of my job as regional manager. But you know, even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. That's what she said...or he said," i love it.
12:37 chew on my hair
12:43 conversion at 63%. I like to say it with a british accent.
12:45 be disgusted at my nails. call jason.
12:58 have made my sandwhich, been told i am the pickiest eater in the office, and teased because I don't like eggs in my tuna. realize jacques and kevin combined are Michael Scott.
1:05 print xmas list from 2005 (its the only one i could find) and highlight people i recognize
1:07 finish sandwhich. my favorite 'that's what she said' compliation keeps giving me grief when i try to download. i'll try again later.
1:10 stand up highlighters and permanent markers where i just know jacques will knock them over. balance pen on top.
1:18 Locate pilot episode on fanpop. See if there is a way to download .flv (flash) files.
1:51 am getting sleepy now. lunch does that to me. i have spoken with Jacques about the xmas cards, passed the job of calling the intern back on to someone else, and downloaded another .flv downloader and am trying that out.
1:55 go to bathroom
2:01 play with my gum
2:04 begin to slowly address xmas cards so i can look like im busy
2:18 phone rings, it's lucille. there seems to be a discrepancy between event worksheets and event folders.
2:30 figure out new .flv downloader. seems to be working. may have the pilot on our hands people.
2:33 cool! i got a popup and a cute echoing beep when the download was done. plus that didnt take any time! now lets see if this baby runs.
2:36 get to bottom of discrepancy in folders.
2:40 Well it works but it does not convert. good thing i had downloaded that converter earlier....sheesh
2:45 the envelope scheme pays off. i am left alone. ahh
2:54 kevin comes in to yak. i suspect hes drunk again. accuses me of being sassy. i say you dont even know sassy yet.
2:58 begins to thunder loudly and gets dark outside. wind blows. with aid of new downloader have gotten first three episodes already. so stoked.
3:02 starts to rain. i burp quietly. episode four is done downloading. still acting like i am addressing envelopes.
3:13 phone rings. its lucille again. i take message. i better start slowing down on these envelopes. 3:26 figure i better start converting these, even though i dont have the cord to plug my ipod in today. i'm going for broke. i want them all.
3:27 bite my cheek and review these entries
3:31 get up to lock the door behind Lane as she leaves, check mirror as I'm passing. realize i have pam beesley hairdo today. probably did that on purpose. cant remember.
3:35 rainpour lightens to a drizzle. at least i can hear my show now.
3:39 my leg itches. i do not scratch it. decide to make list of all episodes and what they're called so i can check them off and label them properly. figure they will most likely go like this: The Office: S1E03 "Health Care"
3:41 break down and scratch leg
3:42 kevin needs check for gasoline. write check to cash for $60.00
3:45 call mom. leave message. get distracted in middle. trail off. end abruptly.
3:53 take down marker tower. put back in pencil cup. it's nearly time to go!
3:55 go to the bathroom
4:16 clean up. get ready to go. phone rings. it's jason.
4:18 fix afore mentioned discrepancy with folders.
4:31 normally i would have been gone ten minutes ago but i had to finish watching. what can i say? i am officially addicted.

July 9th: The Haze

Hannah, her husband Mike, Jason, and I were in Florida at a really nice hotel on the beach. We were getting ready to go out, and had just reached the lobby when chaos erupted from the sky. Huge dragons appeared and began to destroy the whole city. Fire exploded from their mouths and noses as buildings burnt, and people screamed, and panicked and ran. The hotel staff locked the lobby doors, but there was already a crowd. We stood at the window and watched in terror. At some point, I decided I would ask the bellhop if I need a new parking pass, since we obviously weren’t going anywhere. He said that since this was the end of the world, he really didn’t think it mattered. Suddenly, the building across the street explodes toward us. Through the rubble, and dust we see a dragon has been knocked through the building by an angel. They look like old testament angels, in white gowns, carrying trumpets, their bearded faces all alike.
I look over to see an enormous building sized bulldog charging towards the plate glass window of the lobby. An angel blasts him with his trumpet just in time, and the dog goes flying into a Border’s bookstore. When the angels have finished slaying the dragons, they retreat back to heaven and leave us to our ravaged earth.
As we exit the hotel and explore our new surroundings to make sure there isn’t anyone who needs help, we hear someone telling us that the rapture is coming. But that the sinners will be taken first. Actually, we hear it more telepathically than audibly. No sooner did we hear it then, I look around and all the men have disappeared. Hannah and I have no more than two seconds to look at each other when swarms of locust bugs appear out of thin air. I duck and run into a stadium’s locker facilities. Inside it is dark and women are screaming, and water is running rainbow colors. Sarah is on the floor, crying and tells me as I run by, not to touch the water because it will give you troll skin. The inner part of the locker room is a cave and there, I wait with my cats until the bedlam is over.
All of the sudden, it is. And I am transported back to the hotel room where it is checkout time. We get in the car and begin to drive to a toll bridge that I know is a shortcut back home. Jason gets us to the shortcut toll bridge through an awesome shortcut he finds. But they won’t let us through. As we are being told we cannot pass, I see a newspaper in one of the guard’s hands. On the front page is an article detailing the dragon attack. It tells of a certain plant that produces certain spores that were all released on one day either to attract the dragons or to make us all hallucinate the attack. They call it ‘The Haze’ and tell us we all need to buy a certain weed killer in order to kill all these flowers so that this never happens again.
Because we cannot pass through the tolls, we return to the beach. We attend a party on a large boat, tied to the dock. On the horizon, I see a huge explosion of water like someone has detonated a bomb under the ocean’s surface. A massive tidal wave begins to roll toward us. I start to freak out. My Pop tells me it’s going to be okay and begins to delegate orders to ready the boat for the wave, but I can see the fear in Memaw’s eyes. The wave ends up rolling under us, without much ado. But as I turn my eyes back toward the horizon, I see yellow orbs begin to erupt from the second explosion of water. Another wave is coming. People start to scream. I run to close the windows and am able to close them just in time. But the door is open and with a sickening realization and a bit of hyperventilation, I wake up.

Seriously. I dreamed that on Friday night after eating pizza from a restaurant that will forever hence be known to me as, Revelations Pizza. I actually wake up and fall back asleep several times during the night only to return to this same awesomely terrifying, and messed up dream! I love it.

July 5th: Some Questions

uh-oh. I am in trouble. I've been neglecting you, imaginary reader. Please accept my apologies for my absence and for what I am about to embark on. Someone posted this bulletin on myspace and it got me thinking.

Original Bulletin:
Why do we sleep in church,but when the ceremony is over we suddenly wake up?Why is it so hard to talk about God,but so easy to talk about sex?Why are we so bored when we look at a Christian magazine,but find it easy to read Playboy?Why is it so easy to ignore a Godly myspace message,Yet we repost the nasty ones?Why are churches getting smaller,But bars and clubs are growing?Think about it, are you going to repost this?Are you going to ignore it, cause you think you'll get laughed at?Just remember God is always watching you.Repost this as "Don't read if you're under 13...seriously."80 % of you wont repost this.The Lord said:"If you deny me infront of your friends,I will deny you in front of my father".


Wow. Let me dissect this please.
1. We sleep in church because church is boring. duh. What is the alternative to waking up when the ceremony is over? Continuing to sleep? I don't understand the latter part of this question.
2. Quite the contrary, God is not hard to talk about. Sex is a little difficult. Maybe the easy answer here would be we know nothing of God and lots about sex. More importantly, why do God and sex have to be seperate things?
3. Who reads Christian magazines anyways? Maybe Christian magazines should hire better editors. Also, Playboy has awesome short stories.
4. What the hell is a Godly myspace message? That makes me laugh.
5. I do not know of any church that is getting smaller. All I see are big, huge churches with neon signs and flashing lights being built. Better question: Why do churches need flashing lights and scrolling marquees? Isn't there something in the bible prohibiting that? Maybe if we could drink and dance in church, we'd go more often. They could charge a cover.
6. I've thought about it... a lot. I won't repost because I'm afraid of getting laughed at. I simply do not agree and think that this bulletin was poorly wrote. (yes, wrote)
7. Why can't people under 13 read this? I don't understand. Could it be because no one would want someone under 13 to read something bad? Why would you try and trick people into reading a "godly" myspace message by implying that this is a nasty one?
8. Really? The Lord said that? Where? That's not very Christ-like of him.

Most Christians now-a-days are not very Christ like and that is my major problem.
I also have a bunch of integrity and trust issues with a two-thousand year old book written by man, and many, many questions that not even a catechism teacher could answer. Like...

1. Why is knowledge a bad thing ?
2. Why is sex a bad thing?
3. Why is it bad to ask questions?
4. What about Lilith and what happened to her?
5. How is it possible to live 969 years?
6. Are we all products of incest?
7. Why is it ok to kill animals and people for sacrifice?
8. What's wrong with coveting something?
9. Why can't we work on the sabbath?
10. Why is slavery ok?
11. Is jealousy godly?

And I am just recalling from memory the first two books. AND I dont feel particularly well today. So there. Answer me those. Then I'll come to church.