The Reason Train

So the earth is good. Life is good. Things do what they will do, what they always have done and what they always will do. We mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. Babies are born, children discover, people go to work and then you die. This is all just a blink of an eye. I look back through 26 years of life. I realize it is all cycles. It all comes in waves and ripples, like the ocean. “Everything comes and goes, marked by lovers and styles of clothes”, so says the wise Joni Mitchell. Like the random spiraling debate patterns of someone I know. It’s all confusing, it’s all chaos, and most of the time, much of that is fine. It’s a chaos that either we have grown accustomed to, or that we have always known. But then there are these moments, few and far between, like stars, where things become clear. The world slows down just long enough for you to grab the end of the reason train and let it whip you around in it’s wake for a while. Of course you cant hang onto this forever and eventually you will have to let go, but for that instant or for those moments, life is good. Life is cotton candy and kittens, and sex and laughter. And it becomes clear that perfection exists only in moments. It is the perfect moment where you look around and see your friends laughing and smiling. You look up and the stars are twinkling. You look down and the ants are crawling, not biting you, just crawling over you. Then someone tells you you have a nice smile and you realize things are good. Things are perfect. These are the moments that make the whole thing worthwhile. All of the heartache, and longing, and pain and suffering. This is the spot, this is the moment. This is the crescendo of the day’s song. The multiverse can do what it wants. Here is now, and now is good.

Kicking the Rust Off

#2:
How far was he prepared to go to keep this secret? Lawrence asked himself. Hadn't he already caused enough damage? Ah, so there was a voice after all. Though it bore a striking resemblance to Dr. Khadim, the brilliant biochemist from so long ago, Lawrence knew Khadim was gone. Long gone. He had no choice really.Had Khadim lived, he would have certainly told the world the truth by now. Then Lawrence would go down in the history books alongside Hussein, Hilter, and the other modern monsters. Was he a monster? Dr. Khadim said quickly yes.Lawrence pushed him aside and sighed deeply. He supposed so. Men always, always abused their power. But wasn't that the very nature of man? Lawrence decided it was.And rationalized his ten-year old decision to condemn millions of people to death into a pocket-fattening strategy, that any man in power would have come to. He desperately wished he could blame this on someone else, but it had been his own baby. He would bear this burden. If he had to. If worse came to worse. Until that time, he would, like any other powerful man in trouble, deny and distract until they either bought or forgot it. It was all anyone could do at this point. After all, it was a little too late for apologies.


(in the middle of this, I almost heard the gears click. As soon as I became conscious of them, I lost them)

A new approach

#1
When the idea first came to him, it, like all the others, seemed brilliant. Increase profits, and decrease spending. There were no small voices in his head telling him that this my come back to bite him. In fact, looking back now, he wasn't sure he was equipped with a conscious. He had never heard those voices in his head. They had always come from The Board. They had faces, names, paychecks, and most were replaceable as a paperclip. Actually, he didn't think he'd ever been second-guessed or questioned. Maybe he should have been. Maybe if questions were asked, and consequences were assesed, Lawrence Lathell would not be sitting here now, a burden of unimaginable proportions sitting on his desk, staring right up at him, through him.


A little tiny bit at a time. That's how I'm going to write this and overcome this block.

On Writer's Block

I can't breathe. I'm drowning in the deepest waters. Every day that passes just increases the immense pressure from the little voice in my head. It occurs to me that 'little' is a not a very good descriptive term because her voice is loud. She makes my stomach ache, she pounds my head into the cement floor, she runs through my brains filing system and throws my potential ideas into the air. She's ruthless, and she will not let up. Meanwhile, I keep slipping further and further under this sea of nothingness. An outstretched hand blindly reaching for just one great idea.

That's what it feels like to have my crippling writers block. Just one day of not feeling inclined to write will do this to me. Because it inevitably snowballs. Until it's been this long. Creativity is born of sadness, right? Or something to that effect. If you are happy, there is nothing to want and the struggle ends. Must I be unhappy to want to write? No. I already know the answer to that. But writing it down does help me figure out my problems. Maybe I'll create a favicon for this page. Get my mind off these terrible thoughts.

My Conversation with God

I'm posting this here because it's very creative for me...and silly, and abstract. For your reading pleasure, a conversation with God:

It all started with a comment I left stating:
Jul 23 2007 12:27P "i think you should draw a picture for me. of me, preferably. I'll accept stick figures and food art but no caricatures."

Jul 23, 2007 4:26 PM
dear disciple,
hey! saw u have a club....some boy club...what do u get for signing up?
incentives? discounts? free beer? oh and do you want a figure drawing of you?
if u do i need a nudy pic :) OK i don't REALLY need it, never know though, could
come in handy....or something. or i guess i could do stick people...do u wear
something all the time? u know like a charm or something?
and food sculpture...mmmm....i can cook...but...do u have an idea??
god is clueless :)

god

PS: don't forget, if u want me to damn something just tell me...."god damn_______"


Jul 24, 2007 12:30 PM

thank you for inquiring. your application is currently being processed. we do have monthly parties where we discuss yummy boys and post their pictures on each others pages. I am working on a cyborg with beer flavored nipples for the annual party next year. Will definitely keep you informed. I don't have any nudy pics but you are allowed to utilize your artistic license freely. I do wear a mayan calendar pendant around my neck all the time. Why? Do you want to bless it and make it holy? Food art. Mashed potatoes. Definitely.

*I then made a membership card for him to the yummy boys club and posted it
on his site with this message "congratulations! you've been accepted and elected treasurer!"

Aug 2, 2007 1:26 PM
RE: god damn fluctuating hormones
dear horny fluctuation,
what are u scared of?
censored,
god

Aug 2, 2007 1:35 PM
the gospel according to greta
oh boy!
what am i scared of? I'll make you a list:
sharks(big phobia), the dark, collapsing bridges, meteorites,
getting fat, wrinkles, death of loved ones, being smoten, disfigurement,
strangers, animals that can sound like people, children who speak like adults,
hm... I'm thinking...what else...illness, dragons, i guess that's it.
may i have a promotion to prophet?
thanks,
greta


Aug 2, 2007 2:20 PM
god doesn't know what "smoten" is. god is scared of knowledge.
shhh...secrets are sexy. and so is a space prophet. congradulations!
you need a long thick staff

the almighty

PS: dragons are god's bitches


Aug 2, 2007 4:08 PM
the prophet greta doesn't know what smoten really is either, but when i find out
I'll not tell thee. secret space prophet greta to the rescue!

Aug 2, 2007 3:49 PM
god is in the bathroom.


Aug 2, 2007 5:03 PM
dear god,
i hope everything comes out alright.
g


Aug 2, 2007 4:25 PM
ya it came out with sparkles! good times in the "jon"
OK i really need to go home.

i love Chinese! i want an animal...wait for it...wait for it...SHEEP!
you can thank me for Al Gore and the Internet inventing...thing.

http://chinese.astrology.com/sheep.html

scary accurate, but i don't primp...naturally kick ass.
pretty nice last night to the other gods, except that john smith guy.
fucking Mormon. :)

god


Aug 3, 2007 9:34 AM
haha! You should be a new age teacher! So it says. I agree.
Mine says I would make a great brain surgeon. eat that.
I primp constantly. Two peas in a pod.
So funny that this would be topic of discussion as this morning on the radio,
a numerologist was on and saying 2008 was going to be a great year for cancers.
How exciting!
Here is your horoscope for today:
You might be excited about beginning a new project, but you are better off now
building on something that you have already started. You will gain more in the
long run by paying attention to the details, and then incorporating what you know
into your current efforts. Don't just assume that you can do everything by yourself;
asking others for help makes more sense than making a mess.

Can god come out to play?

Aug 3, 2007 8:52 AM
good morning :) u shouldn't primp...naturally bad ass.
god wants to play...but...you never know what the future holds,
and when god might be on your door step! but for now i
hope that boy is sweet to you. karate chop! peace out pod body.

god-really random this morning

Aug 3, 2007 10:39 AM
that was supposed to be pod buddy. pea pod...ya sorry
i am running from office to dock loading trailers. so i write a sentence and
come back. and off again! prophets are automatically married to god. :)

Aug 3, 2007 12:44 PM
ha. i like pod body too. a little sci-fi...ish.
but pod buddy is naturally kick ass of course.
why run when you can just fly? or appear?

Aug 3, 2007 2:12 PM
i used to just appear, but i found myself appearing nude with a top hat.
little embarrassing on Sunday at church. and u know i was drunk if i was in church.
so i took up flying, and i was flying until a month ago when the FAA pulled my
privileges...i can kill a case and fly...no worries mon

Aug 3, 2007 4:51 PM
oh! that's where my hat went!
May i take a sabbatical to pursue a career as a sausage historian?
I just love bratwurst.

Aug 5, 2007 9:52 AM
you should definitely study bratwurst,
alot.
myself, i love some delicate peach pie. could lay around and eat all day...
of course with your top hat on.

*This is when I leave a comment saying something to the effect of (use your imagination):
[pic of bratwurst]+[pic of peach pie]=[pic of frolicking unicorn]*

Aug 6, 2007 12:14 PM
uh....sausage + _______?_____= a horny pony ride(ha)...
the one picture didn't pop up...or is it time to whip it out...the algebra :)

Aug 6, 2007 12:11 PM
god damn silly hot linking bans. I'm a-fixin it.
you're the math wiz... i do words.

*And then I go to his page and leave this comment: "what are you talking about?
I see everything quite clearly. It reads
bratwurst+peach pie=happy unicorn.

figures the establishment would be working with such out of date equipment."*

Aug 6, 2007 12:14 PM
can't believe i am all knowing and i forgot the pie...pie is VERY important.
are u at work? what type of work do u do again...sorry, god had alot of pot
this weekend

Aug 6, 2007 2:29 PM
i am a lady of the night. the moneys great but the people are shite.
OK seriously? I work at a catering company's office.
Trying to find out more about the worms that some places use instead of throwing
all that food away. My only question is what do you do with the compost when
the worms are done with it? I'd rather give it to homeless people but don't want
to deal with them. They're mean!

What did you ask me again?

Aug 6, 2007 1:37 PM
how much lady...of the night...ya how much.
mean homeless people...that's what u can do with the worms. roof top and
a bucket...aim for the boxers...boxers...arr boxes
compost is awesome for growing pot...or maybe a more useful plant...but they spring
up like crazy
who's your daddy...that what i told Mary, mother of Jesus before i tanned her hide

Aug 6, 2007 2:57 PM
bout 20% lady, 89% ball buster
one time a guy chased me naked with a chainsaw. he was naked, not me.
i had my top hat on.
we should be traveling comedians. we're so silly.

Aug 6, 2007 2:02 PM
traveling comedians? sure...but i get to chase you when u have your
top hat on. and i am doing the books, cuz 20% + 89% = 109%....i can see you
dividing your cut out now...

Aug 6, 2007 3:21 PM
well i am considering publishing this. so just notify your lawyer.
i know the math was off....i am just naturally kick ass like that.
i have our first act down already, i sing 'here comes the sun, doodoodoodoo'
and you make funny looking animals and then sacrifice them.
GOD AND THE PROPHET GRETA! ONE NIGHT ONLY!.....that makes me want to make a flyer
.... why did you ask me what i was scared of days ago?

Aug 6, 2007 2:40 PM
that's hilarious! people are starring now...oh well.(laughing quieter now)...
i like it

Aug 6, 2007 3:44 PM
i laughed out loud imagining you laughing out loud.
i thought you were sculpting my food portrait...hmph.
on an unrelated note, i cut my ankle a couple days back and it still hurts.
could you please heal it? thanks.

Aug 6, 2007 2:53 PM
food sculpture...hmmm...honestly not good at it...i was trying to do something
for ya though. waiting...for...i don't know...started though.
i noticed something though. your face is awfully close to Natalie....star wars
chick...peow! peow!
my brother in law's family told me Windex fixes everything...DON'T TRY IT THOUGH.
they are from the deep hills. or u can come up here and i can preform a
healing ceremony.

Aug 6, 2007 3:41 PM
this is gonna take me longer than i thought. trying to compile these so
i can publish them but its gonna take me a minute to remove all of the
drug references...actually, i think I'll leave them in.
i like the idea of god smoking pot.
wow. i just had a brain fart. got a contact high from
writing the mere word. stop erasing my responses. its easier.
as for the Windex, i was wondering...does that cure hangovers as well?
if so, how do you apply it?
i look like Natalie portman? kewel! never heard that one.
who do people tell you you look like?

Aug 6, 2007 3:57 PM
i look like god silly. actually, nobody specific, but i remind everyone of someone they know. as far as windex application, i would dowse a towel, wrap my head. wear goggles. actually wear goggles tommorow anyways/eitherway. publishing? danger. now i will have to edit a little more. mabey. fuck it, repricusions...pfff

Aug 6, 2007 4:06 PM
pfff, goggles. i love goggles. especially the dorky clear ones we used to have to wear in chemistry. i can't think of anyone either. maybe i'll try that face recognition software tomorrow. i've already farted around enough for today. thanks for playing! you've won a 1979 pinto. (actually wanted to put the kind of car Garth drove in Wayne's World but i cant remember what kind it was.tell me please.) wroteasongaboutitliketohearit?hereitgo:

Aug 6, 2007 4:19 PM
i used to wear a pear of red nerd goggles in the shower to keep soap out. my mom has a pic, apparently i used to wear them upside down all the time. amc pacer...the Mirf mobile....now u owe me. face recognition software eh? tell me more ye trusted deciple lady of the dark.

July 12th: Everyday is Exactly the Same

I took considerable pains to log my day on Tuesday minute by minute. You'll see how productive I am....Except, wouldn't it just make sense that I get all sassy here and for the rest of the week, I am slammed with more work than I've ever had. Go figure. So this day is not that out of the ordinary, but it is a little extreme.

7:00 Turn off first alarm. Go back to bed.
7:17 Turn off second alarm. Get up.
7:41 Finish getting ready. Set Jason's alarm for 11. While kissing him goodbye I accidentally hit him in the face. He doesn't stir.
7:52 Pick out red shoes. Remember i broke them on the fourth. Say screw it and superglue strap down. awesome.
8:03 Enter car.
8:24 Arrive.
8:26 Enter office. Key problems. Tried to turn it the wrong way.
8:24 Either office clock is two minutes slow or car clock is two minutes fast. I suspect the latter. Sit down and type thus far.
8:27 Check messages. None. Read email. Twelve new. One important. Rest Junk. Summer is slow.
8:29 Jacques enters. Asks for folders and schedules. Retreats.
8:31 Phone rings. Wrong number.
8:35 Give up trying to fit comic books into scanner.
8:36 leave Suzy a myspace comment
8:40-8:45 Jacques has made copies on our really nice paper. great. Switch paper in tray, throw box in dumpster, say hi to pedro, try to make copies of comic book, gets jammed twice, give up.
8:47 Start watching the office episode I downloaded yesterday. (S3E01, or so its labeled)
8:51 Phone rings. It's an annoying ex-coworker. Take message.
8:55 Something wrong with video players. Only plays audio. Download Videora iPod Converter.
8:59 Begin to regret installing converter.
9:01 Stretch
9:03 Start to make list of all shows my DVR is set to record
9:04 Converter finishes installation. Run.
9:24 Simultaneously ignore Jacques telling the same story for the eighth time and trying to figure out how to work this stupid converter. I am so talented.
9:26 Jacques gives up and leaves. I lock door. Ahh, silence. Think about breakfast.
9:28 Suspect missing codec. Try to recitfy.
9:33 Download codec tool to find missing codec since none of my video players wants to tell me which one is missing
9:38 Get video working. Now sound is missing. sigh.
9:54 Discover my speaker volume has been turned all the way down....double sigh. It works. Convert to Ipod format.
9:56 Kevin arrives. Tells me how his vacation went. i lose interest halfway through. 9% on the conversion so far.
10:01 Confirm episode is labled correctly. The Office-S3E01-"Gay Witch Hunt". Decide if conversion works, I will try and get all I can. Good for sitting in traffic or lines. Forget that. I'll get them anyways.
10:02 Open limewire
10:10 Suspect episode is not full in length
10:15 Limewire has not yet commenced. Triple sigh... Let's get on this one. Lane arrives.
10:18 oh hello Limewire. Thank god.
10:20 Conversion at 58%. Use bathroom.
10:22 Ms. Lucille arrives. My hand flails uncontrollably and knocks my pencil cup over. I can tell this is going to be a fun day.
10:36 On way back from bathroom, Lane tells stories of her weekend. They are slightly amusing. And then somehow when Ms. Lu comes up we get to talking about staph infections and holes in skin. I feel nauseaus and come sit down.
10:41 conversion complete! click on 'add to itunes'. awesome.
10:43 everything on limewire is coming up need more sources. even if there are 83 different sources...ok. also pulls up a lot of porn when i search 'The Office'. interesting.
10:46 creepy! as i reach for the phone, it starts ringing. it's our intern. she's starting to bug me.
10:48 call dad. learn mick got a job at taco bell. talk about visit in august, arrange book exchange: his 'thirteen moons' for my 'bayou farewell', maggie in a magazine, (my stomach is rumbling), promise to send him my strange dream transcription,
11:24 notice that parts of certain keys on my keyboard are smoother than others, wonder why..., discuss generation gaps with dad
11:29 limewire still has not found any sources. I shut it down. I'll try again later. Need to call Jason.
11:36 hang up with dad. Jacques returns. my ear hurts
11:39 actual work! wow. call insurance company to make workers comp claim on when big old wooden ladder fell on Ms. Lu's head. Am given 800 hotline number.
11:41 Go to bathroom
11:45 Call 800 hotline and reach actual person. Am dissapointed.
11:51 Hangup with them.
11:53 Phone rings. Take message
11:55 check balance. -$72. oops. transferred too much to savings/spent too much this weekend. transfer some. all better.
11:58 address envelope to mail application to register trademark back to baton rouge
12:09 (this is making my day go by so slow) Try and finish watching last five minutes of episode Send email to luana asking if shes definite.
12:13 Look for full episodes somewhere other than limewire, start conversion of S3E02.
12:17 express desire for lunch. lane agrees. jacques will go get subway...oh boy.
12:20 decide to eat what kevin's making instead. tunafish. tell him i'm going to start calling him tuna because that's all he talks about making, yet never makes. really just want to call someone tuna. it's an office joke.
12:21 conversion at 22%
12:22 try to locate list of clients to send xmas cards to. my job is so thrilling.
12:24 Michael Scott - "I'm glad this day spurned social change. Thats part of my job as regional manager. But you know, even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. That's what she said...or he said," i love it.
12:37 chew on my hair
12:43 conversion at 63%. I like to say it with a british accent.
12:45 be disgusted at my nails. call jason.
12:58 have made my sandwhich, been told i am the pickiest eater in the office, and teased because I don't like eggs in my tuna. realize jacques and kevin combined are Michael Scott.
1:05 print xmas list from 2005 (its the only one i could find) and highlight people i recognize
1:07 finish sandwhich. my favorite 'that's what she said' compliation keeps giving me grief when i try to download. i'll try again later.
1:10 stand up highlighters and permanent markers where i just know jacques will knock them over. balance pen on top.
1:18 Locate pilot episode on fanpop. See if there is a way to download .flv (flash) files.
1:51 am getting sleepy now. lunch does that to me. i have spoken with Jacques about the xmas cards, passed the job of calling the intern back on to someone else, and downloaded another .flv downloader and am trying that out.
1:55 go to bathroom
2:01 play with my gum
2:04 begin to slowly address xmas cards so i can look like im busy
2:18 phone rings, it's lucille. there seems to be a discrepancy between event worksheets and event folders.
2:30 figure out new .flv downloader. seems to be working. may have the pilot on our hands people.
2:33 cool! i got a popup and a cute echoing beep when the download was done. plus that didnt take any time! now lets see if this baby runs.
2:36 get to bottom of discrepancy in folders.
2:40 Well it works but it does not convert. good thing i had downloaded that converter earlier....sheesh
2:45 the envelope scheme pays off. i am left alone. ahh
2:54 kevin comes in to yak. i suspect hes drunk again. accuses me of being sassy. i say you dont even know sassy yet.
2:58 begins to thunder loudly and gets dark outside. wind blows. with aid of new downloader have gotten first three episodes already. so stoked.
3:02 starts to rain. i burp quietly. episode four is done downloading. still acting like i am addressing envelopes.
3:13 phone rings. its lucille again. i take message. i better start slowing down on these envelopes. 3:26 figure i better start converting these, even though i dont have the cord to plug my ipod in today. i'm going for broke. i want them all.
3:27 bite my cheek and review these entries
3:31 get up to lock the door behind Lane as she leaves, check mirror as I'm passing. realize i have pam beesley hairdo today. probably did that on purpose. cant remember.
3:35 rainpour lightens to a drizzle. at least i can hear my show now.
3:39 my leg itches. i do not scratch it. decide to make list of all episodes and what they're called so i can check them off and label them properly. figure they will most likely go like this: The Office: S1E03 "Health Care"
3:41 break down and scratch leg
3:42 kevin needs check for gasoline. write check to cash for $60.00
3:45 call mom. leave message. get distracted in middle. trail off. end abruptly.
3:53 take down marker tower. put back in pencil cup. it's nearly time to go!
3:55 go to the bathroom
4:16 clean up. get ready to go. phone rings. it's jason.
4:18 fix afore mentioned discrepancy with folders.
4:31 normally i would have been gone ten minutes ago but i had to finish watching. what can i say? i am officially addicted.

July 9th: The Haze

Hannah, her husband Mike, Jason, and I were in Florida at a really nice hotel on the beach. We were getting ready to go out, and had just reached the lobby when chaos erupted from the sky. Huge dragons appeared and began to destroy the whole city. Fire exploded from their mouths and noses as buildings burnt, and people screamed, and panicked and ran. The hotel staff locked the lobby doors, but there was already a crowd. We stood at the window and watched in terror. At some point, I decided I would ask the bellhop if I need a new parking pass, since we obviously weren’t going anywhere. He said that since this was the end of the world, he really didn’t think it mattered. Suddenly, the building across the street explodes toward us. Through the rubble, and dust we see a dragon has been knocked through the building by an angel. They look like old testament angels, in white gowns, carrying trumpets, their bearded faces all alike.
I look over to see an enormous building sized bulldog charging towards the plate glass window of the lobby. An angel blasts him with his trumpet just in time, and the dog goes flying into a Border’s bookstore. When the angels have finished slaying the dragons, they retreat back to heaven and leave us to our ravaged earth.
As we exit the hotel and explore our new surroundings to make sure there isn’t anyone who needs help, we hear someone telling us that the rapture is coming. But that the sinners will be taken first. Actually, we hear it more telepathically than audibly. No sooner did we hear it then, I look around and all the men have disappeared. Hannah and I have no more than two seconds to look at each other when swarms of locust bugs appear out of thin air. I duck and run into a stadium’s locker facilities. Inside it is dark and women are screaming, and water is running rainbow colors. Sarah is on the floor, crying and tells me as I run by, not to touch the water because it will give you troll skin. The inner part of the locker room is a cave and there, I wait with my cats until the bedlam is over.
All of the sudden, it is. And I am transported back to the hotel room where it is checkout time. We get in the car and begin to drive to a toll bridge that I know is a shortcut back home. Jason gets us to the shortcut toll bridge through an awesome shortcut he finds. But they won’t let us through. As we are being told we cannot pass, I see a newspaper in one of the guard’s hands. On the front page is an article detailing the dragon attack. It tells of a certain plant that produces certain spores that were all released on one day either to attract the dragons or to make us all hallucinate the attack. They call it ‘The Haze’ and tell us we all need to buy a certain weed killer in order to kill all these flowers so that this never happens again.
Because we cannot pass through the tolls, we return to the beach. We attend a party on a large boat, tied to the dock. On the horizon, I see a huge explosion of water like someone has detonated a bomb under the ocean’s surface. A massive tidal wave begins to roll toward us. I start to freak out. My Pop tells me it’s going to be okay and begins to delegate orders to ready the boat for the wave, but I can see the fear in Memaw’s eyes. The wave ends up rolling under us, without much ado. But as I turn my eyes back toward the horizon, I see yellow orbs begin to erupt from the second explosion of water. Another wave is coming. People start to scream. I run to close the windows and am able to close them just in time. But the door is open and with a sickening realization and a bit of hyperventilation, I wake up.

Seriously. I dreamed that on Friday night after eating pizza from a restaurant that will forever hence be known to me as, Revelations Pizza. I actually wake up and fall back asleep several times during the night only to return to this same awesomely terrifying, and messed up dream! I love it.